The Dirty Secret about Self Improvement

December 4, 2014
The Myth
Cognition
13 Comments

*Self-Improvement*. It’s what the manosphere is all about. This community of men has come together across multiple continents to share and learn from each others’ experience and wisdom. We are a force for good (usually) in this cold and uncaring world. Men who previously had poor health have found their footing and a belief in themselves and have made life-changing decisions to restore their health and vitality. Guys who have never so much as kissed a girl are now getting laid by beautiful women who 5 years ago would not have given them the time of day. Men have saved their marriages, got out of bad ones, met and surpassed their life goals. It truly is a beautiful thing and a community that I am proud to be part of. But there is one element that I haven’t seen discussed within the community that I think is extremely important for all men that are interested in self-improvement to understand.

Fight Club

This guy gets it.

In some ways, the manosphere is like Fight Club. For most it is metaphorically if not literally a kick in the teeth to their old world views. It’s a paradigm shift. Guys learn for the first time what women really want and then are forced to carve out a new life for themselves. Some decide to cut their ties and go their own way. Others ride the hedonic rollercoaster into the fires of Hell. The rest of us strive for continued self-improvement and maybe even self-actualization.

Honestly, a lot of guys take a beating when first introduced to this stuff. Many fight it even though they know they’ve been reading the writing on the walls for years. The transition is an ongoing process and can be very painful at times. For guys fighting physical battles with themselves the pain is real. For guys fighting emotional and mental battles, the pain is real. Men are not robots, nor were they ever intended to be. There’s a difference between being strong and stoic and being a sociopath. Men need a community of their own since male spaces are rapidly being eradicated from modern public life. Whatever you do, if you value your relationship with your girl, don’t confide in your woman. Close male friends and mentors are a much better outlet for venting your frustrations or seeking solace or advice. That being said – Don’t talk about Fight Club. Never talk about Fight Club.

Do Not Tell Anyone About Your Self-Improvement

You’d think it would be perfectly reasonable to tell friends and family about your journey for self-improvement. You’d assume they’d all be happy for you and supportive. You might even hope they’d be interested in learning from you and your new-found knowledge. Get that shit out of your head.

Most people don’t work like that. Your friends and family may truly love you but there’s still a snowball’s chance in hell that they’ll support you the way you think they would. If the pure jealousy doesn’t inspire them to sabotage your progress, then the fear of losing you or of just plain change will do it. The tired analogy is crabs in a pot. If you’re not familiar with this metaphor: when you boil a lot of crabs in a pot, it is said that you don’t need to put a lid on top to keep them inside because the crabs at the bottom will pull down any of the crabs that are about to break free. Kinda like people.

It usually starts with passive aggressive comments about whatever it is that you’ve recently changed. If you start dressing better you’re a “fag” or metrosexual. If you start lifting weights you’re a meat head, gym-rat. If you start reading more and educating yourself you’re a nerd or an elitist. The list goes on. People will tear you down as soon as they see you trying to change yourself for the better. Mostly this is self-referential. They are picking on themselves by lashing out at you, so don’t take it personally. That being said, making real change takes a whole fuck-ton of effort and chances are you don’t have enough energy to make your own progress while fighting off their insecurities. Don’t talk about your self-improvement.

No, Not Even “Her”

While many women look for ambition in a man it is always better to demonstrate than to explicate. There are a few reasons for this. First and most obviously – actions speak louder than words. You will appear to be a man of action if that’s how you act. It also makes you seems more mysterious. A girl will find you more intriguing if you’re always going off on adventures or trying new things or are coming out with new skills she never could have guessed in the first place. Contrast game works in part because of this idea. If you’re not surprising her, you’re boring her.

Another and possibly more dangerous reason never to tell a girl about your self-improvement is in case you fall short. Not only will you be harder on yourself because you just failed in front of an audience, she will also consciously or subconsciously hold this against you. Whether you like it or not, men are subject to the burden of performance. You must perform in order to qualify for a woman’s love and affection. You need to perform in order to earn the respect and admiration of your fellow man. Tough shit, get over it.

Further more, if you explain what you’re doing to improve yourself you lose an air of mystery. Women want to imagine a man that “just gets it”. If she sees the process behind the show it loses its mystique. Imagine seeing a magician prepare for a trick before the show starts. While it still may be impressive to witness the spectacle on stage, and even though you always knew you weren’t there to see real paranormal magic, the show certainly loses something when you see him practicing back stage.

Keep Quiet for Yourself

It’s right in the damn word itself: “self”-improvement. It should be about you. You’re not doing this to impressive the schmucks at your job. You’re not doing it to finally win your parents’ respect. You’re doing this for yourself, and as such, the focus should be personal. Enjoy this alone time because it is precious. You’ll look back on the hours of solitary practice with nostalgia. It’s a time to meditate and focus and clear your mind so that you can be present. Self-improvement is about the self, and that’s where your focus should stay.

Talking about what you’re going to do takes away from the energy that could be spent on actually improving. Talking about self-improvement opens you up to criticism from haters and friends alike. Mentioning self-improvement will do nothing to improve your relationship with a woman and could potentially hurt you. Do not talk about Fight Club. You’re welcome.

Anyone have any personal experiences with talking about your own self-improvement, or keeping quiet? Pros and cons? Drop some advice for the other guys out there in the comments below.

         
  • http://redpillgame.com/ Halfbreed

    Hey M, nice post.

    I 100% agree that talk wastes energy.

    I’ve found that the less I talk about my goals, the more likely I am to get them done.

    • The Myth

      Thanks man, I’ve found the same to be true. Everybody’s got their own style but I find talking about it really risks getting it done in the first place.

  • longroadhome

    I believe I read a study way back in time that suggested telling people what you plan to achieve caused your brain to release chemicals (probably just endorphins and/or serotonin) to simulate a response to success…before you actually do anything. It’s probably why people say they’re going to do something and never actually reach it.

    Anecdotally, I’ve found the same in my own life in a bunch of different situations (physical/education goals). When I told people (and people told me) I was going to get a high university enter score, I felt good and didn’t bother trying. Needless to say, it didn’t really happen and I failed accounting.

    When I told myself I was going to score a 7 in my university accounting course (7 = 85%+…Australia uses a 1-7 scale) I did it…and got the tied 2nd highest mark at 97.3% in a course of 1200 students where the average was 65%. Lesson learned: shut up about what you’re going to do…do it.

    • The Myth

      Exactly! You’re putting it into practice. I’ve had the same experiences time and time again. Shame can be a powerful motivator, but for me (and a lot of the guys I’ve talked to) too much “other stuff” can get in the way. I think I’ve read that same study. Sorta like when people say they’re going to donate or they “believe” the “right” things… like it’s a substitute for actually going out and doing something positive.

      • longroadhome

        Shame is typically a driving force because you care about what others think of you. It only exists while they are present in your life and you’re giving them that power over you. Revoking the power of external critics and instead asking yourself “How do I feel about that? What could I have done better? What is my next step?” is the way to true growth (in my limited life experience).

        “I have often wondered how it is that every man loves himself more than all the rest of men, but yet sets less value on his own opinion of himself than on the opinion of others.”
        ― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

        100% accurate with the donations, but saying and doing are on the same sliding scale, not opposite ends of the spectrum. All charitable actions are self-serving in different magnitudes (there’s nothing inherently wrong with that, but we have to be honest). Saying you’ll do something good makes you feel like a good person and others perceive you to be good. Doing something good makes you feel good. Doing something good because you feel guilty or uncomfortable is really putting your own mind at rest. Charities try to evoke a guilt response to encourage you to ‘make a difference’ and put your mind at ease that you’re a model citizen with a pure moral conscience. Does that make sense or am I going off the deep end?

        • AussieJ T

          Hey man. Agreed. Im in brisbane / sunshine coast. Maybe we cld meet for a coffee ? Jupal78@yahoo.com

          • longroadhome

            Hey dude, we can meet if you want. Where abouts are you?

        • The Myth

          Hey longroadhome,
          I think that shame used to be a useful motivator when communities were more on the same page about values and morals. Now I don’t think people take up the mantel of being an “adult” so there is no accountability except to keep other people from offending anyone. These days it seems like a man has to be his own compass.

          I’ve been pondering questions like values and moralities but I’m not quite sure I want to stick my toe in the water on those topics just yet unless there is an expressed interest from my readers. Let me know what you guys think.

    • http://joselromero.com/ Jose L Romero

      I have to agree with you on that. By saying what you are doing for some reason or another is like putting a hex on the whole thing. Which is why when you plan to do something its best to keep it yourself and do it!

  • http://joselromero.com/ Jose L Romero

    Great Post!

    I know for me I have used and read about Self-Improvement techniques for a very long time. Since I was a teenager I have always worked on bettering myself since I was extremely shy to a point that it was hard for me to be sociable. This was before the internet was even around and the only place to get information was Library.

    I kept the self improvement to myself and little by little learned to overcome my shyness by constant practice. I cannot tell you how hard it was for me to get to eh point I’ am in now. Looking the long periods of being alone and learning about myself was well worth it at least for me.

    The time I decided to talk about my issues with shyness and the like and how I was able to progress out of that a funny thing happened? People actually began to put me down, was made fun of and was called a “Guru” as a joke. When I would tell women what I was able to do they use it as a weapon against me when I would fail at doing something.

    No one likes to have a person they know become better than they are because it will force them to take a look at their sorry lives and when they do they will hate you for it! I guess living in the land of Fantasy is what reality is all about these days.

    In the end its better to not speak about it and keep them Ignorant of what you are doing. This helps you get the upper hand!

    • The Myth

      Hey Jose,
      Unfortunately, I think you’re right. It would be nice if people actually saw you trying to better yourself and they were then inspired by it. In my experience, that’s rarely the case. At best you’ll get some people riding your coat tails and looking for favors. Congratulations on overcoming shyness. I think it’s a lot harder than most people realize. Thanks for the thoughtful comment.

  • AussieJ T

    There are a few strong and mature men and women out there who will support you, but you have to be very discerning because they are in a minority. If school wasnt so soul destroying and good at killing the creative , entrepreneurial and self directed in all of us, we would not have this epedemic of negativity and victim mentality.

    Makes jobs for social workers and welfare pimps however.
    For positive people, think some top athletes , some modern day oracles – tarot readers etc (remember the oracle in the matrix). They are the sane in a world of damaged souls

    • The Myth

      I think you’re right about the effect of institutionalization on our culture. I’m not entirely sure how to roll back the clock on that one.

      It’s certainly not easy finding that minority of people that are willing to support one another. I never expect a hand out, but maybe a hand up once in a while so I can then reach down and pull up the people who have helped me.